Posted by: tootingtrumpet | February 28, 2009

The Strauss Tapes Part III

black_cassette_tapeOnce again, a cassette has arrived at the door of the Tooting Trumpet in deepest South London. Postmarked “Sunny Barbados – the nation that doesn’t go to the cricket any more” inside was a tape, a transcript of which appears below.


“Six hundred then gentlemen. How many times did Michael Vaughan declare on six hundred then? It’s all right Owais – don’t bother with that flash phone of yours, Belly’s already done it for me. It’s once – just once, and he only scored 23.”

“Colly and Ravi – I like it. Not very much, obviously, with all that bottom hand stuff – weren’t you coached at school or don’t they bother in comprehensives? Can’t argue with scores like that – and don’t even try as I can’t understand a word either of you say. And take those ridiculous shades off Ravi… Oh, put them back on again.”

“Tim – come out from behind Belly and let’s see you. Good knock. Very cheap runs mind you – it’s not exactly opening is it, coming in when Cookie and I have done all the work.”

“Stuart – nice four to raise the six hundred, but don’t get any ideas above your station. I think Mitch Johnson is a better bat and the wife thinks he’s better looking. So you can get an early night tonight and not spend the evening cruising your Facebook fan sites.”

“Jimmy – I’m having Gayle’s wicket too, thank you very much.”

“Get a good night’s sleep Swanny – you’ll need it.”




  1. Anticipating the next installment especially if things don’t go to script. I’m sure Andrew doesn’t rant but I expect his wit will be razor-sharp if the bowlers don’t heed his well laid plans.

    Can they roll them without Fred? I presume today will answer that question.

  2. Catches will come – if held, I expect England to be in a strong position at the close.

  3. What’s the point of a 600 run first innings lead if you don’t have a second slip or even a short leg half an hour into the day’s play with the opposition score only just passed 100?

    Strauss didn’t learn that at school in Melbourne, I can assure you!

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