Posted by: tootingtrumpet | March 1, 2009

The Strauss Tapes Part IV

hawkeye230707_468x467To nobody’s surprise, a cassette has arrived at the door of the Tooting Trumpet in deepest South London. Postmarked “Sunny Barbados – the nation that would have been rioting thirty years ago” inside was a tape, a transcript of which appears below.


“Stand up Ryan for God’s sake – you barely exerted yourself in the field did you? You and Harmy both have back problems? Backbone problems if you ask me.”

“I certainly exerted myself though, so Belly, go and get me a chair will you and not one of those ones that Swanny sawed through part of the legs? They got Athers twice today. Oh do stop Swanny – fourth formers got bored of that stunt at our kind of school, didn’t they Cookie?”

“I’m pleased that there was wicket-taking potential available to me all day out there – I’m not pleased that it was the umpires who provided it. Well, that and Tim running up and down the wicket to collect the throws. Tim – it is you behind that cocktail glass isn’t it? Keep it up tomorrow and, let’s face it, Monday too.”

“Any ideas of how to get Sarwan out, because, Ryan, straight length balls at 78mph aren’t going to do it? Jimmy? Stuart? Ottis? (Is Ottis out again? How many cousins has he got?)”

“Anyway, I’m knackered, so I’m off for a drink with Russell and Darryl and to check that they’ve had their shoelaces confiscated. Get an early night gentlemen and remember to preserve some energy tomorrow for the final Test. (Not you Ryan).”




  1. I’m in favour of allowing the umpires the use of technology to make the right decision but I am against this current system of allowing the players a referral.

    The benefit of the doubt should go to the batsman and not the umpire. Having players umpire the game is fraught with controversy as events in Johannesburg and Bridgetown have so clearly shown.

    Perhaps, the best method is the one used in the Stanford T20. Allow the umpires the use of the technology but only when they request it.

    Let players play and umpires umpire and the game will be fine. Messing with that paradigm is just not cricket.

  2. I think that’s the solution Nesta – although it may still leave the obvious inside edge on to the pad, but given LBW, in play, unless we allow batsmen walking off to be recalled.

    It has to be better than the current system though.

  3. What’s this nonsense about returning the ball onto the pitch to rough it up? Reminiscent of jelly beans. Why don’t they just try to win by playing cricket instead of silly games?

  4. Fred – If you can get away with it, why not? I’m all for fielders doing what they like to the ball short of taking penknives to it.

    • TT, fine they can do what they like to try to win. They don’t have to “get away with it” because I don’t think it’s illegal. It just suggests a focus on the wrong things. On trivial things. Anyway, they could have taken a chainsaw to the ball and it wouldn’t have changed the course of this match.
      A bit demoralising to smugly sit back after 600/6, and then watch the oposition do better. Lucky Moores is gone, because I suspect he would struggle to find the positives in this one. Better than 51 all out I suppose. Bopara was good.

      • It’s possibly illegal – if teams adopt it as a tactic, we’ll soon find out if it is or not!

  5. This match in Bridgetown is making the game in Karachi last week exciting in comparison.

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