“That you Colly? Thank God for that. I was on the phone to Cookie for ten minutes before I found out that he isn’t captain. Yes – well it might have been news to him too. You are captain aren’t you? Yes I am still happy about that – anyone but Swanny to be honest.
Anyway, I’m sitting by a pool in Queensland and it’s a very pleasant 28 degrees. How’s the weather in Dubai? Sorry – can’t hear you Colly. Who’s Jonty Bucky? Sounds like a Saffer. No! No! I’m not John the Bookie! It’s me – Straussy. How can I prove it? Oh come on… (Muffled)… The coin I used for the toss in the Ashes… Swanny… 9.35 on the Monday morning… You were closest with 9.30… £500 I think… lots of disinfectant and a scrubbing brush… good as new… just the one stitch I think… still feels it when he drives over a speed bump.
Right – you know it’s me now. Oh, enjoying myself with the family, although you can get a bit tired of nappy changes. At least you understand that, not like Fred and Harmy. Speaking of Fred, Dubai’s his winter bolthole isn’t it? He’s usually finishing off a crate of Heineken in a hotel bar about now after a hard day playing golf and shilling property for Vaughany. I suppose he can’t give away a Dubai condo for free these days? You shouldn’t giggle Colly, I hear KP lost a bundle… (Much laughter at both ends of the line).
I haven’t really got any advice for captaining against Pakistan – except to keep one eye on that Afridi chappie and the other on the ball. Oh yeah, one last thing. Don’t whitewash Pakistan in a series, or they’ll drop you as captain, then pick a couple of buffoons for the job, before realising their mistake, beg you to take the job back and then not even trade in your MBE for an OBE when you win them back The Ashes. And listen Colly, if you win the World Twenty20 and you get an OBE… (Muffled).
Sorry Colly – getting a bit ahead of myself there, a bit hysterical. Don’t know why I got so worked up. You’ve no chance of winning the World Twenty20.”