Posted by: tootingtrumpet | February 27, 2010

The Strauss Tapes – Part XXV


“Is that you Cookie? Good. Reception is not great – where are you? Well I wouldn’t want to be playing too much golf with Colly after what he said about Bangladesh.

Now just a few pointers for the captaincy lark. One – captaincy is like batting; you should stamp your authority on the match early, the same way you stamp your authority on an innings… okay, the way I stamp my authority on an innings. Two – don’t allow the Press to start running stories that say things like… hold on (clicks and sounds of buttons being pressed, murmurs of “where’s that text”) “He’s only in the job because he’s in the Essex Mafia, thick as thieves with Andy Flower and his Uncle Graham. What’s his strike rate eh? Looks like a choirboy and plays like a choirboy. Best to the family – you must come round to see Jess and me once I’m home, Love Kev”. Ah… didn’t mean to read all that text. Sorry. Third – get the whole squad singing from the same hymn sheet: at least you have some experience of that.

So good luck with taking on Bangladesh and don’t forget to make special plans for their best players, men like er… Shak-something and Marmalade is it? Well, I can’t remember. It’s breakfast time here and I’m trying to get the kids to eat their toast.”



  1. Why do I laugh so much every time KP fails? Maybe it’s a poor reflection on my character. I must try to be a better man. But shit it’s funny.

  2. It’s the expression on his face, both before he gets out and after… There are some who argue that body language is a furphy.. but , honestly.. you can tell, with the minimum amount of observation just when Kev is about to go out. Last night, it was as he was walking out to the crease..his helmet was a bit wobbly due to all the gloop, but that was a minor matter.

    He begins his facial exercises.. blinking, a sort of chimpanzee mouth stretch, a peculiar eye swivelling, then the jigging, hopping, a little moue of surprise that he is actually at the crease, the bat banging, and then by this time it’s good night, Irene.

    And when the inevitable occurs, Kev is the only one astounded. Nay, astonished, perplexed and furious. This is when the real comedy accelarates.

    I used to think it was a poor reflection on my sporting intincts, but no. And I don’t think it’s poor character , Fred. I now believe it’s Kev’s fault for capturing my ( our) psyche. I cannot do without him. I expended sleeping hours last night in the total expectation of a Kev moment, early and brutal, and I was not disappointed.

    It happened like clockwork. Both Mango and myself were fulfilled!. Aha, I said to Mango,… and she gave a little woof of contentment and satisfaction. We both knew we had not blown a long nights sleep in vain. Oh no.

    So here’s to Kev. I live on tenterhooks hoping against all rationale that he will last at least until the Ashes in Au. Let us all pray, brothers and sisters , that his very stature of just being Kev blinds the selectors eyes!!..

  3. *ringring*ringring*

    ( at the home of Shane and Simone, Simone is vacuuming, Shane is trying to deal himself a Royal Flush from a doctored deck of 104 cards)

    Shane……” answer it, Sim.. I’ve nearly got it’..

    Sim………’It’s that bloody Pietersen again’..

    Shane…..’ Christ on a bicycle. He just doesn’t get it……’

    Shane……’ Yes, Kev? ( and puts the phone on speaker while he shuffles the cards )

    Kev………’ You’ve got to buy me out from Bangalore, mate.. I Have To Have A Bat. I am never going to get on the field with Cameron White, and Jolly Jaques there, and I won’t get paid unless I bat. I’m a celebrity!! Here I am, nearly 30 and I’m nowhere. That bloody Ponting has been captain of AU since he was 26. That rotten Smith , since he was 22.

    Shane……’ hmmm.. ahhh…. hmmm…

    Kev………’ ..and they even threw me out of captain of Bangalore. Just because we lost a few games!!.. Don’t get me started on the ECB. That fucker Giles.. Him and his phonecalls. ..

    Shane……’ oo…. ahh…..’

    Kev……….’ So I am trying to pick up some work from Gillette. Growing the beard and stuff so I can shave it smooth with a Gillette and be up there with Tiger and Roger and Beckham. I ‘m about busted. So if you can see your way clear to..


    Kev………’ but mate.. mate.. I’ll even try to get along with Sim, but I Have To Get Some Scores… you think about it and let..




    • *click*



  4. You’re right Pepp, it’s the expression. The bewilderment. Along with the strut. Gets me every time.

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