“Is that you Cookie? Good. Reception is not great – where are you? Well I wouldn’t want to be playing too much golf with Colly after what he said about Bangladesh.
Now just a few pointers for the captaincy lark. One – captaincy is like batting; you should stamp your authority on the match early, the same way you stamp your authority on an innings… okay, the way I stamp my authority on an innings. Two – don’t allow the Press to start running stories that say things like… hold on (clicks and sounds of buttons being pressed, murmurs of “where’s that text”) “He’s only in the job because he’s in the Essex Mafia, thick as thieves with Andy Flower and his Uncle Graham. What’s his strike rate eh? Looks like a choirboy and plays like a choirboy. Best to the family – you must come round to see Jess and me once I’m home, Love Kev”. Ah… didn’t mean to read all that text. Sorry. Third – get the whole squad singing from the same hymn sheet: at least you have some experience of that.
So good luck with taking on Bangladesh and don’t forget to make special plans for their best players, men like er… Shak-something and Marmalade is it? Well, I can’t remember. It’s breakfast time here and I’m trying to get the kids to eat their toast.”