Posted by: tootingtrumpet | October 14, 2010

The Strauss Tapes – Part XXXI


Swanny on World of Warcraft



Andy? Is that you? Sorry about the noise, I’m at Chessington World of Adventures.

Obviously I’m with the kids Andy. It’s an INSET day at the nursery and at that age they’re climbing the walls at home – worse than KP waiting to bat.

Look, the younger one was up coughing the last few nights so I watched a bit of the India vs Aus Test while dosing him with Calpol – Christ Andy, I might have had bit of it myself off the spoon. The vampires won’t do me for doping will they? Yeah, well I will try not to worry – thanks.

Anyway, I know Stuart’s sister is doing whatever she does on that laptop of hers – yes it is useful Andy, we do think about it. Now Ryan’s out of the picture, all the bowlers can work the computer and they don’t just do Twitter you know. Okay, Jimmy does just do Twitter, but he’s working with Finny and he’s now got his own World of Warcraft account. I think it’s progress isn’t it? He used to spend all his time reading the Daily Star.

Right, this is what I’ve spotted.

Watson – Can bat a bit, but the bowling is hopeless. Play straight and watch for the one that doesn’t bounce at all. Stuart is working on his sledging – and Swanny’s got a blonde wig he says he’s going to wear in one of the warm-up games. I think he’s joking – but yeah, can’t be sure, so I’ll have a word.

Katich – Thirty-something left-handed opening bat who scores ugly runs and was under-appreciated by fans for years. I think I know about him yeah.

Punter – So gracious in defeat – he should be now he’s getting plenty of practice. Not sure what we do if Swanny doesn’t get him in his first over though, but at least Gilo isn’t there to drop him on the fence again.

Clarke – Matt Prior is looking up Lara Bingle photos on the internet and Eoin’s Irish mate is going to send one every day to Pup’s Twitter account. They can’t be traced to us, no, and there’s loads of blokes doing it anyway. No wonder he doesn’t know which end of the bat to hold.

Hussey – In the form he’s in, he’ll probably be run out without facing anyway.

North – Not a worry until the Fourth Test when he’s playing for his place in the Fifth. Swanny had better have his slider working then.

Haddin – Didn’t play, but Tim Paine looked good until he missed the stumping – just like our Matt!

Johnson – If he was a pilot, he’d miss the runway, but bowled some good stuff as well that you have to keep out and not miss because you’re laughing too much at the previous ball.

Hauritz – Please, please, please let him be selected. Keep those media types talking about the Oval Test and how Hauritz would have made the difference.

Hilfenhaus – Don’t let Cooky see the DVD. Won’t do him any good anyway. Let him keep talking to Goochie about playing for Ilford schoolboys.

George – He is The New McGrath! He is. He really is. Tell Fletch to keep talking him up – the Aussies might even pick him again.

Oh just a quick word about the Indians re next summer. Short and fast. No not our bowling, Tendulkar and his strike rate.




  1. hehe…some funny (true too) stuff there toots.

    Still, who cares, all is right with the world.

  2. I know whenever I post on here it is mostly about the fact that the selectors don’t pick Victorian’s but how is it that the most dominate domestic team for the last 3-4 years is unable to produce a player worthy of playing in the current Australian team?

    I know it took Queensland a hell of a long time to turn domestic dominance into baggy greens, but Australia was all powerful during that period. That excuse does not exist now.
    Either the head selector needs to be sacked for being a useless prick or Cricket Australia need to pull Victoria aside and (as holders of all the funds) tell them in no uncertain terms that their job is to select and develop a group of players who have the potential to play for Australia rather picking a team just to win the Shield.

    My view is maybe a bit of both but definitely the former and I use as a perfect example the T20 format. Dominated by Victoria since its inception, yet none deemed good enough to play for Australia for the world cup in England which we were rubbish in. Fast forward 12 months and with a few additions, we are suddenly good enough for the final.

    • At least you’ve been able to produce a decent cricketer for the England test side.

      Siddle is a first-choice pick surely, as is Cameron White in the Twenty20/ODI sides.

  3. Re: Clarke -I think he’s overrated but I’ve seen a similar career trajectory before.

    Ricky debuted in 1995. He began with a 96 on debut, looked great, fell off, resumed his promising career in his 4th home season, and all looked well. Then had a horror show in India in his sixth year. End of that year, he was averaging 44 after 52 matches.

    Clarke debuted in 2004. He began with a 151 on debut, looked great, fell off, resumed his promising career in his 4th home season, and all looked well. Then had a horror show in India in his sixth year. End of that year, he was averaging 49 after 64 matches.

    Not a shabby ideal to aspire to.

  4. Thanks RK, that’s made my day. Ponting II is coming along then.
    This is why I always laugh about the English (aside from the other reasons), that it usually takes about two good games to get earmarked as special, like Morgan is now. Greatness takes time.

  5. Australia have never been lower than 5th in the world. Christ they even lost the netball.
    Can’t wait for the ashes. I have today invested in HD tv for the event. Aussie bowlers are intruiging. To think Gilo circa 2005 would walk into the team. We have replaced him with a better batter and bowler. Ponting seems to have mellowed. He doesn’t deserve to lose 3 ashes. A drawn series will do for me.

    • A draw would be honourable. Incredibly, if Punter loses in Aus, he may prove to be more popular in England than in Aus. If he comes back in 2013 (and he is the best bat in the side now) I suspect he will get 2% panto boos and 98% ovations.

      • An improve there would be welcome.

        • There was already a big improvement at The Oval for the Fifth Test in 2009. I would expect that to continue. Sometimes in football (I’ve seen this) a great opposition player is greeted with an ovation that, just as he acknowledges it, turns to boos. I like that as it shows respect then shows that it’s back to business. Punter can expect something like that if he comes back in 2013.

          • Cut a long story short/save us time. Agree to disagree on his treatment in England and hope it is better in future.

  6. See that Straussy is keeping schtum about Swanny’s dooooooozra which is/was due for launch this winter. Either he’s keeping radio silence even with the Coach OR after these two Tests they’ve decided to keep it for next (English) summer.

    Found the Little Little Master site recently too. A real treat to see some shots from when his coach took him from one match to another forcing whichever side was batting to put him in next. Soon as he was out he was taken off to the next match. Every day … ten months of the year.

    You mentioned Lloyd as a top of the handle merchant. Once picked up one of his bats at Grey Nicks in Robertsbridge – say 1972/3. It was 3 lbs and had FIVE grips … and still he could lever it from the top! (3lbs was very heavy in early ’70s)


    • Nobody quite batted like Big Clive. Remember Arlott’s rhubarb stick comment?

  7. KP’s coming along nicely. This must be the quote of the year so far from Buchanan
    “They seem to have a new mental toughness and they are more consistent, except for the odd glitch, which is mainly Kevin Pietersen.”
    He’ll enjoy being called an odd glitch.
    Another duck for him today in SA too.
    I’ll see your North and raise you a KP.

  8. Anderson another victim of the dreaded bootcamp. Stuart MacGill was a famous victim of one of Buchanan’s bootcamps. I wonder if Buck was involved in this one. If he was, good chap, pip pip, well done.

  9. I’d prefer if Swann doesnt go after Doosras. He is a fine spinner, as it is, and doesnt need artificial enhancements and implants to… get the point, dont you?

    Swann’s success with classical off-spinning tricks is really refreshing, and I hope he doesnt go the doosra way.

    A draw would be honourable, indeed, but Ricky deserves better than that.

    • Agree entirely if you are saying ‘let’s keep it straight’ – the arm that is. But the ‘has he, hasn’t he?’ is all part of the guessing game, Kaminey.

  10. Had Ricky bowled Hilfenhaus instead of North at the end in Cardiff, he’d be defending the Ashes.

  11. We don’t know that.

    I’ve always found it a bit of a harsh call on Punter, even if it was an early sign of his worrying infatuation with North’s flopping bowling.

    Hilfy didn’t help us bowl out teams 2 matches running in India so we may have drawn that match regardless of who bowled.

    Sometimes (ever more frequently with Aus) it just ain’t your day.

  12. Very good selected side for mine, despite the modern focus – obviously hard to judge on those you have never seen. And they lose that chance to leave that indelible imprint like a DK.

    Obviously a few very unlucky to miss out (Gavaskar? Murali? Knott? Ambrose?) and would not be out of place if they were selected…

  13. Today’s T20 game v Sri Lanka and the selectors pick the team they should have picked 2008-09 , but probably not to team they should be picking 2010-11.
    I am still saddened the Chairman is in a job. Was the perfect time to give him the boot and promote one of the understudies.

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