Posted by: tootingtrumpet | November 19, 2010

Ashes preview – Food for thought

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Already the media are in a frenzy at the prospect of Strauss vs Ponting – The Rematch, so 99.94 offers you its preview and some, er…, food for thought.

Alastair Cook  – Porridge. Old-fashioned and just a bit dull, can get bitty and indigestible, but at its best, provides a solid base for the day ahead.

Andrew Strauss – Bacon and eggs. Can sizzle at times, and at other times slide off the plate, but adds colour to the start of the day and, at his best, leaves you with a warm feeling inside. Often seen at Lord’s.

Jonathan Trott – Boerewors. Looks like a typical English sausage, but on closer inspection, is actually just a bit foreign and not entirely trustworthy. Once such suspicions are put aside, can fill you up for the whole day.

KP – Ostrich steak. Exotic and prone to burying head in sand when under attack (from critics). Not to everyone’s taste with some believing that it shouldn’t be on the menu at all.

Colly – Corned beef. Solid, British fare that has gone out of fashion in recent years, but retains a devoted following. More likely to give you indigestion than the runs, but can sit in the cupboard for years before you turn to it when there’s nothing else left in the pantry.

Ian Bell – Clear soup. Though some claim it to be insubstantial, can be a very stylish course in a big meal. Do not overheat, as can spoil very easily.

Matt Prior – Spaghetti. Can get very messy – just when you think you have a mouthful, it drops off the fork. At its best, a fine fast food that can satisfy quickly and get the day back on track.

Stuart Broad – Nouvelle cuisine. Looks fantastic and can be very tasty after an inordinate amount of time spent on preparation, but often fails to leave the diner replete.

Swanny – Champagne. Bubbles and effervesces to get everyone in a good mood the moment it appears. Too much can make you sick though.

Jimmy Anderson – Pancake. Needs to be tossed up in the air to be at its best and can go terribly flat. Suspicion remains that it’s really at its best on only one day each year.

Steven Finn – Beaujolais Nouveau. Very young and, if you drink it for long enough, makes you fall over, but can get the party started. Best served in a very tall glass.


The Tooting Trumpet, whom you can often find at and on Twitter at @garynaylor999 and @Fakeadil.



  1. Great post Gary, nicely done. Hungry now.

  2. Surely Stuart broad is stew ? Swann is swan. Kp is a self-licking ice cream. Flintoff these days is a turkey twirler.

  3. England won’t get far without fish and chips.

  4. Pointing is a tough old steak?

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