Continuing 99.94’s rather forced aligning of players and foodstuffs, here is an Australian XI picked from the smorgasbord squad of 17.
Simon Katich – Crab. Mainly moves sideways and often stays within its shell for longer than is good for the team. Can be hard to winkle the good stuff which is often well hidden.
Shane Watson – Raw prawn.
Ricky Ponting – Tuna. Big fish that, if landed, means that you can put your feet up for a couple of days and snack on the small fry.
Michael Clarke – Hot dog: but only if the wind blows off the desert into Adelaide. Otherwise luke-warm and likely to be discarded as insufficiently nourishing for a meal.
Michael Hussey – Cold chicken soup. Used to provide comfort in times of trouble, but not as tasty as in the past and might have to give way to a dahl that is pressing for its place in the pantry.
Marcus North – Potato. Spent a long time underground before being dug up and emerging into the spotlight. Needs at least twenty minutes in the heat before digestible, but can then be quite tasty.
Brad Haddin – Chewing gum. Can give a pleasing instant sugar rush, but the flavour soon runs out. Tends to irritate others.
Mitchell Johnson – Salmon. Travels far and wide, but fights its way back home, the only place where it is really effective in producing. When swimming upstream, often appears to be leaping out of control.
Nathan Hauritz – Blancmange. Hard to identify exactly what it is, but sprawls across the later stages of the meal. Nobody can remember what it tastes like even after eating it for hours.
Ben Hilfenhaus – Sirloin steak. On its day, will sweat blood and prove very satisfying, but can give you the runs if undercooked.
Peter Siddle – Greased piglet. Charges about, squeeking and screaming. Hard to collar but if caught hold of and tamed, can be completely consumed by hungry diners.
The Tooting Trumpet, whom you can often find at Testmatchsofa.com and on Twitter at @garynaylor999 and @Fakeadil.