“Yes Finny, we are still in Australia even after that flight.
Okay lads, put the i-phones down. Bres – don’t tweet unless you’ve got something interesting to say, so you can turn that off for the next ten years. Swanny – I can see the red light on the camera, so switch it off – it isn’t clever to put a Skype call through to Stuart at that time – he was just getting over the jetlag and some might say shouting his series averages over and over again was a bit immature. Not you obviously – you need a dictionary to know what the word immature means. Eoin put the bat down and, for God’s sake, take the helmet off.
Right. First up, I don’t want you to get distracted by what you’ve read in the papers about how England’s finest is dealing with the Australian spinner. If we let him settle into a rhythm, he can keep going for hours and we’ll be flat on our backs, spent. Instead, we’ve got to get on top of him straight away, use plenty of wrist work and make him go through all his variations early. If he starts looking for cracks instead of getting his balls right up, we’ll know we’re winning, but if he comes hard at us, and it explodes off a length, it could get very messy. Oh for God’s sake Swanny, what is so funny? Beer or Smith. Who did you think I was talking about?
We’ve done very well so far (except Stuart and he’s gone) so I want to see more of the same on Thursday. The WACA is not as quick as it was, though I’m only talking about the cut strip, so Mitchell might get it through sharpish. Jimmy – is Jimmy back yet? – is key early on and then I want Bres and Finny to keep it nice and tight until Swanny can come on, though I might hold him back if it means he’ll get fewer votes in Sports Personality of the Year. Well obviously I don’t want you to win it Swanny – look what happened to Fred.”