Has Tim gone already? Is he that desperate for pork pie and a pint of Tetleys?
Who’s that sitting next to you Eoin? (Murmuring) Look Boyd, you’re welcome to come to the bar for an orange juice later and I know you’re only a Bunny Onions ankle knack away from a place on the tour, so don’t check out of the hotel, but this is a team meeting about today’s match. And you were playing for the oppo. So thanks and keep your phone charged – that’s all I can say just now.
KP – you’d be better employed watching some left-arm spin on that phone of yours instead of tweeting, so put it down for now and remember to be at the nets at 9.00am tomorrow because Boyd’s mate George is hanging around for a sparring session. No, not like Jimmy and Tremmers last year, I’m speaking metaphorically. Metaphorically – it means. Oh tell him later will you Cookie.
We’ve a lot to learn from that match against, against… whatever the team was called. Only Cookie and I got fifties – though your 99 was pretty impressive Swanny, so you can wipe that smirk off your face and get that quip in your next book. And no I haven’t read it – I know what went on, even if I was at university (a proper one too) while you were finding 101 uses for Deep Heat. It’s not big and it’s not clever – like the book really Swanny.
Okay – this Pakistan side may be young and inexperienced, but they’re punching above their weight in Test cricket right now. Which reminds me – Trotty, remember to punch Riaz’s bowling through the offside, not Riaz’s face through the nets eh? And you’ve all had the lecture and notes on acceptable sledging haven’t you? Yes Swanny – it covers tweeting too – and you’ll just have to resist all the opportunities presented by Mr Butt being in prison. Don’t giggle Jimmy.
Right – it’s a day off tomorrow (except you KP), so there’s a chance to take in the history of Dubai. Okay – I know there isn’t much, so maybe go to the shops and buy whatever… I don’t know gold or silver or something – text Jade, he’ll have some ideas. Even his name sounds like bling. And Stuart and Jimmy, don’t bother turning up for that dune buggy trip into the desert Boyd’s mate promised you – I’ve already cancelled it.