Posted by: tootingtrumpet | April 7, 2013

How to write your county’s / club’s season preview

The one and only Eddie McVarish

The one and only Eddie McVarish

You’ve shaken the snow from your boots, hung up the overcoat and warmed yourself with a cup of cocoa leavened by just a nip of scotch for medicinal purposes. It’s that time of year again – time to write your county’s / club’s season preview. Here’s 99.94’s cut and paste guide to help you do so while you defrost your fingers.

At (insert name of county or club), the new season brings renewed hopes of winning a trophy /  fixing the cubicle in the gents. Under our new captain, whose batting / Range Rover is expected to carry the team to great things, the squad is more focused / feisty after a long pre-season tour of South African clubs / South London pubs. With last year’s discontent amongst the members still rumbling, the pressure will be on from the start to deliver a successful First XI / an XI on the field.

Though everyone is disappointed that X has left to pursue his international ambitions / Sabina from B&Q, it opens up the slot at Number Six for a junior to step up to the plate and make runs / teas. The wicketkeeping role will also be highly competitive this summer, with youngster Y impressing in winter nets with his spectacular glove work / gloves.

Amongst the bowlers, the big fella / fat fella will be missed with no obvious candidates to take his 80 / 20 wickets last time round. More responsibility will fall on the support bowlers to get the wickets quickly / slowly enough to give the batsmen just enough time to reach the target / bat out the draw. Young spinner, Z will be looking to have some long spells / spells to build pressure / make it worthwhile turning up, with August likely to see him at his most effective / on holiday.

The Head Groundsman / slightly creepy bloke from the council has worked on the square in the off-season and when batsmen and bowlers are in the middle, they should look for more pace / it. With the heavy roller still outlawed by the ECB / broken, it may well pay to win the toss and bowl to allow the batsmen time to adjust to conditions / turn up. Grass growth has been late, so the outfield is a little bumpy / almost unplayable, but once the practice wicket / dog shit is removed, it’s expected to be up to last year’s standard to the players’ delight / despair.

Behind the scenes, the new committee under the Chief Executive / only guy who turns up regularly has signed big sponsorship deals / utility bills which will avoid the unfortunate uncertainty this time last year. There are also improvements for the spectators / dog walkers, with a new suite of catering franchises / extra portaloo likely to bring in as much as £50,000 / £5 over the full season.

I think I speak for all of us when I say that we can look forward to 2013 with silverware / survival in mind.

You can tweet me @garynaylor999.

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