Posted by: tootingtrumpet | June 6, 2013

The Cricket Lexicon – The Googly revisited

lexiconBack in 2007, I was lucky enough to write for The Googly, from the er… ashes of which 99.94 rose. With thanks to Lee Calvert and Clare Davies, here are some of our (now somewhat dated) entries.

Harmison (n) – an item that looks like it should be the best thing you’ve ever owned, but constantly disappoints.  “With it’s limited battery life and poor 3G connection, this iPhone has turned out to be a complete harmison”  Steve Jobs, 2007.

Harbhajan (n) – something that gets worse the more attention you give it.  “It started out as just a little red patch, but now this rash is a harbhajan all over my back”

Kallis (v.t) – To selfishly guard something painstakingly accumulated over years in the mistaken belief that anyone else cares about it.  “We didn’t go on holiday for three years as all the money was spent converting the loft so he could kallis his Hornby train set in there”.

Jayasuriya (n) – An aged but still aggressive dog that demands attention. Usage – “A Yorkshire terrier is not a good choice of dog for a couple planning a family. 10 years later, you can be stuck with a jayasuriya”.

Bumble (n) – A joke that only the teller finds funny. Usage – “And don’t be telling all those bumbles at dinner – you’re the only one who ever laughs”.

Ianbell (n) – a person who has reached the highest levels, yet somehow seems to not belong there.  “Despite his achievements with the Camp David Accords, 39th US President Jimmy Carter will always be seen as something of an ianbell”

Petersuch (v) – to achieve far beyond the parameters of your natural talents. “I resent the accusation that Steve McClaren has petersuched his way into the England manager’s job, he was the 4th person on my list after all.”  Brian Barwick, 2006

Ambrose (v) – to instill fear without speaking. “It looks like Vanessa Feltz has ambrosed the big brother housemates by taking her knickers off”

Petermoores (n) – A feeling of limitless potential, usually followed by a crashing fall into bureaucratic dullness. Usage – “Universities’ Freshers Fairs can engender petermooreses in many students, but the reading lists and lecture programmes soon bring them down to earth.”

Nel (v.i) – To pull a face. Usage – “Our three star enchiladas are so hot that we guarantee you’ll be nelling!”.

Ganguly (n) – A thing that shows great initial promise, but descends into a long, slow decline. Usage – “I liked Chamber of Secrets and Goblet of Fire, but since Order of the Pheonix it’s clearly turned into a ganguly.”

Bell (v) – To maintain oneself in a game, but no more. Usage – “When holding middle pair on the flop, a good Texas Hold’em player doesn’t raise or fold, but just bells until the turn card is revealed.

Tremlett (v.i) – To display unconvincing aggression. Usage – “Bonfire of the Vanities was a good book, but the film was ruined by Tom Hanks’ tremletting as Sherman McCoy”.

Sidebottom (v) – To fail at something, disappear, then return doing exactly the same thing again but succeeding. Usage – “I guess I was a bit surprised to see Take That sidebottoming“.

Jaffer (n) – To be obviously not as good as an inexplicably rejected alternative. Usage – “Des Lynam’s at a bit of a loose end these days. Did you see Lineker doing the Open Golf last week? What a jaffer!”

Dhoni (n) – A hairstyle that garners more publicity than the talent deserves. Usage – “In the early days of MTV, there were dhonis everywhere: A Flock of Seagulls, Phil Oakey, Pete Burns”.

Marknicholas (v.i) – A grooming routine designed to make up for falling levels of testosterone. Usage – Once he got to 45, first it was the motorbike, then the designer shirts – now I can barely get in the bathroom in the morning because he’s in there marknicholasing for anything up to an hour!

Tresco (n) – The missing part of a machine, which renders the whole much more effective. Usage – “Of course you can ride a bike with just the big chain ring, but the small chain ring is the Tresco that speeds things up”.

To Botham (v.i) – To repeat something continually in the mistaken belief that your auditor will understand it better the tenth time he / she hears it. Usage – “Stop that bothaming and get the phrasebook out”.

To Colincroft (v.i) – To speak interminably in an increasingly repetitive way, but to be immune from criticism because everyone is scared of you. Usage – “Remember Mr Jones the geography teacher? He used to colincroft his way through those lessons, but we never said anything because he would slap you one with the ruler.”

To Bowden (v.t) – To transform a role previously entirely procedural into an attraction in itself by dint of the ego of the incumbent all the while getting on everyone’s nerves. Usage – “Ulrika Jonsson did the weather forecast for TV AM, but bowdened the job into a key element of the show”.

Malcolmspeed (n) – A self-induced imaginary world where everything is beautiful, works perfectly and there is no conflict. Usage – “Apple Computer’s enthusiasts tell us that they live in a malcolmspeed, but I get as many glitches with those machines as with PCs”.

Sarwan (v.t) – To replace a much loved and talented performer with a much inferior version. Usage – “When the producers sarwanned George Lazenby into the James Bond role, it was clear that Sean Connery was key to the franchise’s success.”

Hogg (n): an unexpected and unwanted incident leading to misfortune. Usage: “I was going along nicely in the race and then a hogg kicked up and hit me in the face and I lost all momentum.” Tom Boonen after receiving a loose pebble on the helmet

Ramprakash (v. i.) – to show much promise at various stages, only to ultimately disappoint.  Usage: “After 2 hours of buying her triple vodkas she finally agreed to come back to my place; we were then game on in the bedroom, only for her to ramprakash it by falling asleep whilst I was finding a condom.”

Hick (v) – to perform brilliantly in low profile encounters, but fail miserably at the highest level.  “And by missing that pink, Jimmy White has hicked his chances of the World Championship again.” Clive Everton, 1992

Lara (v.i) – To preside of the end of an empire. Usage – “Claudius was a Republican really. He tried to lara as best he could, but ended up with Nero as a successor”.

Pollock (v.i) – To lose the ability to intimidate. Usage – “The school brought in so many temporary teachers and the kids’ behaviour deteriorated. The teaching staff as a whole were pollocked, but a new Head soon restored discipline”.

Fletcherism (n) – The desire to hold on to old things that no longer work. Usage – “Trinny and Susannah have built a TV career on helping people overcome their Wardrobe Fletcherism”.

Doctrove (n): a large and exciting looking piece of travel luggage, often covered with old labels from the P & O line, sadly always containing disappointing rubbish. Usage: “I inherited a doctrove when my great-grannie died, but all it contained were empty gin bottles”. William Windsor.

Leverock (v. t) – a feat of athleticism far removed from one’s physical appearance.  Usage.  “Graham Price has leverocked the French defence to score a wonderful try” Bill McClaren, 1975

Hayden (v. n.) – to perform fantastically after being written off totally.  Usage: “And with his performance in Pulp Fiction, John Travolta has pulled an absolute Hayden”  Barry Norman, Film ’92

Collingwood (n): a safe and secure receptacle into which one can place valuable objects. Usage “I can’t believe the thieves took my Sports Personality of Year awards – they were locked in the collingwood” Sir Steve Redgrave 2007

Martyn (n) – A beautiful creature that visited gardens from time to time, but now appears to have gone for good. Usage – “On summer evenings, we would turn the lights out and, if we were quiet and really lucky, the martyn would come out to forage and play – it was such a lovely sight”.

Langer (n) – As Martyn above, except that it’s an ugly brute that shits all over your lawn and still visits regularly. Usage – “Excuse me. I have a Langer that is ruining my garden – do you have anything that will get rid of it?”.

Koertzen (v.t) – To painstakingly examine all the evidence over an extended period and still arrive at the wrong conclusion. Usage – “The UK government really koertzened that report about Saddam’s WMD”.

Willis (v. n.) – an incredibly boring speaker, far removed from the person’s formerly exciting physical performances. Usage: “Despite all that horny stuff with the snake in From Dusk Til Dawn, in real life that Salma Hayek is a total willis”

Glennda – a minor mishap with devastating consequences. Usage – “A punctured front tyre usually leads to poor handling and a trip to the garage, but at motorway speeds, it can be a Glennda, so it’s best to check your tyres before a long journey.”

Vettori (v.i) – to seek favour with women by affecting spectacles, being a bit vague and possibly stuttering a little. Usage – “That Hugh Grant was a nobody until he vettoried his way through Four Weddings and a Funeral.”

ICC (v.t) – to spend years preparing for an event only for it to flop horribly. Usage – “He really ICCed that wedding when he started that affair, even if she did forgive him.”

Colville (n) – A beach party with really boring guests. Usage – “We were there out of season: the reps organised an event on the beach but it was an absolute colville.”

Flintoff (v.i) – to descend slowly from a peak. Usage – “From the summit, you can ski down to the village or take the cable car, which allows you to see the sights as you gently Flintoff back to the hotel.”

Nixon (n) – a noise which stops you working effectively. Usage – “I know the report has a lot of typos, but there was such a nixon going on with those roadworks outside the office.”

You can tweet me @garynaylor999

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