Posted by: tootingtrumpet | June 28, 2015

From the desk of Trevor Bayliss?

file stackTrevor Bayliss knows the Aussies well, so what will he be telling the England boys between the sangrias and the sunbeds in Spain this week? Here are some thoughts of mine.

Chris Rogers

Bowl full on a fourth stump line and block his push drive scoring options for singles with a 7-2 field, a sweeper and Third Man cutting off boundaries if the ring is penetrated. Make him chase a wide one as the scoreboard dries up. Make sure Silly Point offers him his sunglasses on an early play and miss. Ask him if his father knew Captain Cook.

David Warner

Bowl over the wicket, stump to stump and look to get the ball up and under the right armpit. Push the occasional one across him and post a gully, backward point halfway to the fence and a deep fly slip and seek to catch him off his slashing cut. Chat about his last England tour and whether he thinks that his chinning of Joe Root cost his team a crack at winning the Ashes in England for the first time since Aus had a really good opening pair of lefties in Hayden and Langer. Have one of the drinks carriers wear a wig.

Steve Smith

Bowl a fifth, even sixth, stump line and ask him to fetch the ball round his front pad to score on his favoured leg side. Ask him if he thinks his technique works with the ball swinging in England – because nobody else does. Remind him that on the next tour, he’ll be Number Three and captain just like another three time Ashes loser Ricky Ponting.

Michael Clarke

Top of off stump early on to exploit his stiffness in the back. Bowl the odd loopy full toss late in the day just for old times sake. Give him at least one short one per over to make sure he doesn’t get comfortable pushing forward. Ask him if he knows that he’ll be the only Australian to lose four Ashes series in England, but at least only two of them will be as captain.

Shaun Marsh

Ask him if his dad is the only Australian who doesn’t know that he averages less than 36 in Test cricket – and ask him how he stopped him finding out.

Shane Watson

Full and straight with a nice big gap at midwicket to tempt him (not that he needs it). Tell him that you’re looking forward to his really cheap hundred at the Oval with the series gone. Show him a leaflet from company that hires golf buggies as he looks like he needs one when he “runs” in to bowl.

Brad Haddin

Keep feeding his hook until he mistimes one and is caught by Long Leg or Deep Square Leg. Ask him if he’s older than Adam Gilchrist, because he looks about ten years his senior and plays like it too these days. Give him a nice Werther’s Original to keep him going in the field.

Mitchell Johnson

Look to take him into a third spell in the day and then go after the wide ones and the short ones to work on his confidence. Tell him you were surprised to learn that he hadn’t played in 2013 and why was that? Ask him if he’s hurt by all those Barmy Army songs.

Mitchell Starc

Go after the short ones and the wide ones from the start, not allowing him to settle. Ask him when he thinks he’ll get his Test average below 30 – or whether he’s happy to remain a white ball specialist.

Ryan Harris 

Watch the ball, keep him out and look to score off the others. Tell him you’ve got 80 – 100 overs in the sweep for the number he’ll bowl in the series before breaking down and that you’ve already turned down offers to buy your ticket.

Nathan Lyon

Go after him in the first innings to get him rattled by the second. Congratulate him on becoming the leading Australian off spinner of all time – it’s something akin to winning a tallest dwarf competition.




  1. What a superb Ashes preview. Technically astute and hilarious.

    Can you do one for the England team?

    Brilliant. I’m going to read it again and share it with everyone I know.

  2. Very good.

    You really don’t have to feed Haddin’s hook these days. Almost anything gets him out as long as it’s actually on the pitch.

    • Cruel, but true I feel.

      • Isn’t the hook Haddin’s one strength? England don’t need encouragement to bowl half tracker dross to the rabbits…bowl full!

        Otherwise just about spot on!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: