Posted by: tootingtrumpet | August 2, 2015

The Ashes Lexicon – Australia

lexiconRogers (n) – An old, well loved object that has become annoying due to obstructing desired progress. (Of course, we all liked it when we moved in, but when we asked the council it it was okay to remove the rogers now the kids were older and we wanted to use the space for a gazebo, they said we needed planning permission, and that’s still dragging on).

Warner (v.t) – To destroy an object in a frenzied attack. (I told you you should have let the dog out – he’s absolutely warnered your slippers overnight, but that’s all you deserve).

Smith (v.i) – To improve rapidly and somewhat inexplicably. (There’s always someone who looks terrible in the first couple of weeks on Strictly, but then really smiths all the way to the final).

Clarke (n) – An old dog that you just can’t face taking to the vet to be put down. (After he got hit by that ice cream van in 2007, he became such a clarke, but, well, what could we do?)

Voges (n) – A tool that you’ve had in the shed for years that you find works really well, but only the once. (I was lucky to find that old voges in the toolbox and it worked a treat on fixing the leaking tap, but maybe you should take it to the charity shop as I can’t see it being useful for anything else).

Marsh (v.t) – To replace a worn part of an engine with something that looks like a modernisation, but actually doesn’t improve performance. (The guy at the garage said that he’d marshed the brakes with carbon-fibre pads, but they still feel as spongy as the old ones to me).

Nevill (n) – A  software upgrade that offers a better user experience but is strangely unpopular with the IT department. (I had to wait six months for IT to install my nevill and even then they kept telling me that I was better off with the old app – but it works really well, even if it is a bit slow).  

Johnson (n) – A physically impressive, yet fragile and unreliable object. (Sure these new tents with their walk-in showers and en suite loos look good at Glasto, but once the wind gets up and starts howling, you’ll find out they’re just a johnson and you’re left sleeping in the car). 

Starc (n) – Something that you buy for one purpose but find out that it’s better suited to another. (Most people use pesto to flavour pasta, but it’s actually a bit of a starc – try it in mashed potato for example). 

Hazlewood (n) – A plug for a burst tyre that can get you part of the way home. (It’s always handy to have a hazlewood in your puncture repair kit, but you’ll probably need to replace the inner tube if you want to commute every day).

Lyon (v.t) – To age something relatively new. (I like this new app on Instagram that lets you lyon your photos so they look about 100 years old even though you only took them yesterday).

Read more from The Ashes Lexicon here.

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